Zombie

I’m dead inside, just a shell of a human going through the motions. I wasn’t always this way, life has made me this way; a man made me this way. This man was all consuming, so much so that it was as if he took the air out of the room when he walked in. In public, he was the guy everyone wanted to hang out with. He was fun, fearless, and was incredibly personable; however, behind closed doors, he was a monster.

I have a special power. I am able to completely shut down my emotions and compartmentalize, focusing on what needs my attention instead of emotionally processing the situation. Now, you might be thinking, ‘wow what a psycho, who does that?!’ But in reality, this is a very practical professional skill. However, it became a hinderance when I started compartmentalizing in my personal life. I remember making the choice to shut down one afternoon when he was screaming at me for something that he insisted I did before we met. I remember telling myself to shut down. “Just turn off” I told myself as I laid in a dark room staring at the wall; it was safer that way and how I would survive.

Now, I know what you are thinking. If it truly was THAT bad, why not leave or get out somehow? I tried, so many times I lost count. I would end things and he would harass me until I gave in and took him back. He would call me over and over and when I blocked him from all forms of contact, he started calling me at work. Over and over, he just kept calling. He would show up at my apartment, crying, telling me he would never do the list of things that he had done. The list of things that he should never have done to another living being. I was trapped and truly though that the only way I would ever be free of this man was is if one of us died.

Before you get upset about my last statement, we are both still alive; however, at the time, the situation was so dark and hopeless that I didn’t think there was any way out. It was as if he was absorbing my life force, taking my soul away, killing me a little bit everyday. I had distanced myself from my friends and family because it was easier than going through the fight with him. Anything and EVERYTHING that was mine, he took.

So now, I have been free for 1.5 years and I am attempting to get back into the dating world. I am a surviver and I can honestly say that I struggle everyday. The person I was before is gone and I find myself constantly asking who I want to be and how to become that person.